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Ed Bolkovac, Choral Conductor, Professor, Writer, Spiritual Hobbyist

Today is a good day to live.

Today is a good day to die.

Do either well.


Realization of a Spiritual Hobbyist, excerpted from Meditations of a Commuter


Joy and fulfilment can arise from an intimate relationship, family and friends, work and career goals, hobbies, special skills and talents, and exceptional accomplishments. Our lives can also be enriched by belonging to a culture, travel, supporting causes and charities, as well as religious affiliation and spiritual practices. But a strong personal identity in relationships, activities, talents, and affiliations can cause problems; it allows the insidious ego to infiltrate them and change the dynamics from being genuine to having ulterior motives and underlying expectations and demands. We can easily deceive ourselves into thinking that we are what we do, and that delusion compromises our ability to be objective and altruistic in our relationships and activities. We can lose awareness of our spiritual essence.


I am generally seen as a good husband, father, and son, but I allowed my ego to convince me that these roles I played were who I was. Brief periods of unselfishness and balance were outweighed by longer periods of self-righteousness, cynicism, and the need to win every argument and have the last word. With my ego in control, I was blind to many of my own faults, and I fixated on the shortcomings of those around me. Unfortunately, my ego would often intensify its criticism of the people closest to me whom I dearly loved.


I work as a professional musician and teacher. I have always believed fervently that music has the power to heal and inspire others, and indeed most of my musical endeavors were motivated by sincere intentions, but my ego was too attached to my career. I took pride in my work, and my ego loved to feed on my own sense of satisfaction from professional accomplishments. I allowed musical and pedagogical successes to distract me from undertaking a journey to find my Self. My desire to be a selfless servant of the music for the good of others was compromised by having an underlying concern about my own image and how others perceived me.


From my earliest recollections I have been drawn to the architecture and atmosphere of places of worship. As a boy, my parish priest would let me play the organ in the locked church in the late evening, and I would improvise music with the candles flickering magically in the dark space. The primal call of sacred music-whether a Gregorian chant, a Muslim call to worship, a Jewish cantorial flourish, or Buddhist monks chanting "om”-resonated deep within me.


While a university student I became interested in spiritual books, such as the Bible and the Bhagavad Gita, as well as works by Joel Goldsmith (1892-1964), Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986), and Paramahansa Yogananda. As a result, I also began to meditate through my commitment fluctuated between long periods of dabbling and infrequent periods of genuine commitment and devotion. But despite listening to inspirational sacred music, reading thought-provoking books, and attempts at spiritual practices, my ego remained firmly in control. I used these pursuits to feed my identity as a spiritual person and achieve a quick sense of gratification for alleviating whatever was bothering me at the moment. I still believed that my happiness and fulfilment would be found in a future with the right set of circumstances. I thought of myself as a bona fide spiritual seeker, but I was a mere hobbyist who surrounded himself with the trappings of spirituality. I was not seeking a genuine spiritual awakening as much as a distraction from circumstances I didn't like.


Although I had always been an avid observer of my external world, those observations didn't lead me to an in-depth understanding of the spiritual teachings. I loved to share my favorite quote by Rumi, "Hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you," but in truth I really didn't understand it deeply. I only heard the blossoms that were pleasant and made me feel good about myself. I had no trouble being grateful for the good things that came to me, but I still strongly resisted life's challenges and painful episodes, eve those over which I had no control. I could not accept that there were some circumstances I could not change.


But when I finally turned my observation skills more consistently inward for an extended period of time, I began to realize that blessings had been constantlydropping the blossoms around me. It was just that they had been coming in surprising and sometimes painful packages that I'd been ignoring. Words by Rumi now began to resonate as never before and washed over me like an invigorating summer rain: Whenever sorrow comes, be kind to it. For God has placed a pearl in sorrow’s hand. Many pearls had been hidden in the sorrows and challenges in my life, hut I had not recognized or accepted them because I was preoccupied with resisting and working against them. I had not been kind to sorrow. I finally realized that the real problems were not the things that were happening in my life; instead they were my ego-driven mental distractions as well as my unhealthy and unproductive reactions to what occurred. I finally understood that I had the power to choose my response to life's difficult situations and embrace the lessons they teach. I began to let go of my role as a spiritual hobbyist and prisoner of my random thoughts. I started to accept my Self.


I continue to observe my distracting thoughts, and they are gradually being replaced by an unswerving sense of inner peace and gratitude for everyone and everything in my life. Uncertainty has finally become my friend, not an enemy to be feared or resisted.

Krishnamurti's famous quote, I don't mind what happens, now has a deeper meaning-I may not like what happens but I will not resist it. I will learn to work with it. If joyful things come my way, I will be thankful and appreciate them while they last. If challenges come my way, I will simply deal with them while they last, and learn the lessons they offer.


A well-known quote by Ram Dass (1931-2019) now puts a big smile on my face: If you think you are enlightened, spend a week with your family. It is my immediate family members who have always been my most loving and relentless teachers. No one knows us like our close relatives, and our relationships with them will test us to the core of our being; no fault or flaw will go unnoticed and remain unmentioned for long. My family has blessed me with countless opportunities to become a better person, but now I realize that in the past I was too occupied with resisting and deflecting pearls to listen objectively and focus on changing myself. One popular aphorism has finally become clear: The purpose of marriage (and families) is not to make us happy, it is to make us conscious. But as I have become more mindful and aware, happiness and gratitude have increased and have come to emanate from a much deeper place of spirituality.


When I began to take my inner journey more seriously, my musical life also became more rewarding and spiritual. Teaching became simpler and more intuitive, and I made fewer presumptions about my students. I became more sensitive to what might be going on in their lives. The joy and focus of teaching and rehearsing always helped me to be very present in the moment. Now I tend to observe myself teach, rehearse and conduct, and I seem to watch the process unfold rather than try to make it happen. I have become a better servant of the music and of the people I am privileged to teach.


I will bless the people and creatures I encounter during my brief time on this beautiful and fragile planet by choosing over and over again to be reborn in consciousness, presence, and gratitude. I will talk less and listen more to all of the people in my life. I will keep looking for the pearls in everything that happens and use them to live more fully in the present moment. No more languishing as a spiritual hobbyist and living in a false world created by my mind!

 

With every breath, I will consciously choose the angel, not the beast. I will continue to stumble, but I will not fall. The journey to find my Self has led me to discover that my true spiritual essence has always been inside me in the depths of silence. It will be my guide as my journey continues. I am filled with gratitude.




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